Some of these tips are general, suggesting a mindset for you to
cultivate. Other tips are more specific in telling you what to do in the
moment. Here they are:
- Listen. Listening is the number one step in dealing with
"unreasonable" people. Everyone wants to feel heard. No progress can
take place until the other person feels acknowledged. While you're
listening, really focus on what the other person is saying, not what you
want to say next.
- Stay calm. When the situation is emotionally charged, it's easy to
get caught up in the heat of the moment. Monitor your breathing. Try to
take some slow, deep breaths.
- Don’t judge.
You don't know what the other person is going through. Chances are, if a
person is acting unreasonable, they are likely feeling some sort of
vulnerability or fear.
- Reflect respect and dignity toward the other person. No matter how
the person is treating you, showing contempt will not help you
productively resolve the situation.
- Look for the hidden need. What is this person trying to gain? What is this person trying to avoid?
- Look for others around you who might be able to help. If you’re at
work and there’s an irate customer, quickly scan to see if a manager is
close by.
- Don't demand compliance. For example telling someone who's upset to
be quiet and calm down will just make him or her irate. Instead, ask the
person what they are upset about and allow them to vent.
- Saying, "I understand" usually makes things worse. Instead, say, “Tell me more so I can understand better.”
- Avoid smiling as this may look like you are mocking the person. Similarly, humor can sometimes lighten the mood, but more often than not, it’s risky and it may backfire.
- Don’t act defensively. This is tough. You’re naturally not enjoying
the other person saying nasty things or things that you know aren’t
true. You’re going to want to defend yourself. But the other person is
so emotionally revved up, it’s not going to help. Remember, this is not
about you. Don’t take it personally. (I know, easier said than done.)
- Don’t return anger
with anger. Raising your voice, pointing your finger, or speaking
disrespectfully to the other person will add fuel to the already heated
situation. Use a low and calm, even monotone voice. Don't try to talk
over the person. Wait until the person takes a breath and then speak.
- Don't argue or try to convince the other person of anything.
- Keep extra space between you and the other person. Your instinct may
be to try to calm the other person down by putting your arm on theirs,
or some other similar gesture that may be appropriate in other contexts.
But if someone is already upset, avoid the use of touch, as it might be
misinterpreted.
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- Saying, “I’m sorry” or “I’m going to try to fix this,” can go a long way towards defusing many situations.
- Set limits and boundaries. While some of the above tips have
encouraged listening and letting the angry person vent, you also have
the right to be assertive (link is external)and say, “Please don’t talk to me like that.”
- Trust your instincts. If your gut is saying, this is going downhill
fast, be ready to do what you need to do to remain safe. Look for an
exit strategy.
- One response does not fit all. You have to remain flexible. Although
these guidelines have proven effective in de-escalating tough
situations, every person is unique and may respond differently.
- Debrief. After the situation is over, talk to someone about what happened.
- Discharge your own stress.
You had to put your natural reactions on hold for a while. Now is the
time to discharge some of that pent up adrenaline. Go for a run. Take
your dog for a walk. Don’t let the emotions stay stuck in your body.
- Give yourself credit for getting through an uncomfortable situation.
It takes a lot of energy to not act like a jerk when someone else is
behaving badly. Don’t skip this step!
